What will that DAY be like??

So working at a hospital brings about a lot of self-inflicted questions, crazy surroundings, & an awareness that one might not be privy too otherwise.
I see a lot, hear a lot & do things to newborns that one wouldn't normally do. I strangely enjoy (at times) these disfunctional things.
Don't take me wrong, I don't 'enjoy' sick babies, but its fascinating what science can do & a whole lot of hope & prayers.

Recently I am quite moved when I see moms being rolled in via wheel chair or gurney onto the L & D floor. I don't work w/moms pre-labor but the NICU is conveniently located next door. Lately I get chills when I see them being rolled in....knowing (praying that, that will be me w/Eli in about 26 weeks or at leas 22 weeks. What will that day be like, I'm already envisioning a lot about that day. What control will I have over my body, if any. Will I freak out. How Eli will deal with me, probably better than I can deal with myself.

Last night when I worked I had the opportunity to go back to the stabilization room right next to where a mom was laboring. All I heard were screams from the laboring mom, which alone kind of moved me...will I be that vocal...mmm. Then the Stabilization team did this swift dance of prepping the bed for the 28 week pt. that we were about to basically 'Stabilize'. There were 2 doctors, 1 nurse practioner, 1 RN & a respiratory therapist....plus myself, onlooker for being the virgin in the room, it was pretty cool to watch the baby transition from womb to warm table & all the tasks that had to be done to stabilize him. Then he came to my room, I had the first admit spot....what an interesting night.

13th week & do I still have to button my pants?

So along with welcoming 2nd trimester, I also realize my pants aren't going to last much longer. Its a little disheartening, realizing I won't see my body in my pants for many months to come. I am someone, I'll admit, who in my mind has always struggled with my weight. I've never felt skinny, but have always wanted to be. So putting weight on honestly is not the easiest thing. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed to be pregnant, but seeing that I am loosing the battle & tipping the scales is something I will have to adjust to. I have 6 months ahead, of getting bigger & with that I welcome the beautiful pregnancy belly, but i know my body & will gain it elsewhere as well.
Its all an amazing process, week by week is so different. Now I definitely pee a lot. Pre-pregnancy I may gone 3x a day, now its more like every 3 hours.
I'm still overwhelmingly tired, but nausea is more or less gone.
I feel as though its a milestone to get to this point & look forward to what the weeks ahead bring. I think we should probably start taking weekly pics, to see the transformation....

Today is a GOOD day!

Pics of our babe @ 12 weeks +2 days. Right on track. :)

12 weeks-End of 1st Trimester

Wow- this is a big deal for us. We, Eli & I & most of all God has led us through our 1st trimester. Would I say it was easy now that we are here, mmm-NO. I now know I can cry pretty easily---ok really is this a big surprise to me, no, but yesterday I think was my last messy cry of this trimester-I hope.
We had an OB appt. yesterday, it was your typical gynecological exam, pap & all. Eli came, but decided to stay in the lobby, no biggy. At the end of the exam, she got the hand held Doppler out...to what I thought would be a quick listen & go. The doc glided it over my belly, we heard movement --or she said she heard movement, then a quick heartbeat & then NOTHING. My eyes flooded with tears & it brought me back to July 23rd & that dreadful day. She said it was 'normal' for it to be difficult to hear the heart beat- That didn't help, it did not console me.
I apologized, said I was a little sensitive due to the miscarriage this summer. I couldn't stop crying. They continued to keep reassuring me that it was ok, I hesitantly told them Eli was out in the waiting room. I wanted him to be in there now, well part of me did. There was a part that didn't want him there, so I could protect him, if it truly was bad news--I wanted to deal with it, protect him from the pain.
The doc instructed the nurse to roll the ultrasound machine in, & she went to get Eli. Within seconds the machine was set up & a man (this is funny) that was NOT Eli began to enter the room. I just shook my head & he did the same. His name was ERIK, mmm Eli, whatever...I was actually kind of amused by it at the time, kind of---more so now.
I didn't understand where Eli went, but no sooner could I dwell on it, she had already lathered up the wand & found the baby inside, heartbeat and all. I just kept thinking, wow, thank God...its so different when its you. Wow, there truly is a baby inside. The doctor felt super bad about the whole mix up. I was just so thankful otherwise, I just joked about it, at that point.

Then I realized having a child is going to forever play with my heartstrings. When its myself I can deal with pain, hurt. But if its someone else I can see myself wanting to do ANYthing to protect.

Oh & Eli went out to the car, had a headache & fell asleep, did I give him a hard time, ya a little. :)

11 weeks & counting

So 11 weeks has been pretty kind to me. My nausea has dissipated. Sunday night when Eli picked me up from work, & we headed to Cosmic Cantina for some long awaited tacos, I noticed that my day was lacking that utter feeling of wanting to lay down & cry. I am still constantly hungry, which I can handle. Some people would think fun, hunger is fine as long as we can nourish it, but its this hunger that can turn quickly from feeling hungry to OH MY GOD, I have to eat something or I might loose all strength, ok- kind of hard to explain, but thats what I'm feeling now.
Not really showing yet, but my clothes are really not that comfortable to me. For work --easy scrubs, & home sweats, but otherwise I'm going to need to make a trip to get some maternity pants soon.....

Next week we have some big appointments: Monday an OB/GYN appt., get some lab results back & Tuesday we get our next ultra sound. Since I will be AMA (advanced for maternal age) @ the time of delivery we have opted to do some of the additional first trimester screening. This u/s is actually done at the Clinic @ Duke. Will I be nervous that day probably. They will look at our baby's anatomy to check for Down Syndrome & Trisomy 18. We also opted NOT to do an amniocentesis or chorionic villi sampling which are more invasive. If the u/s shows something may I be inclined to change my mind maybe. Its a lot to keep in the back of your mind.
BUT
It is exciting to think that I will almost be into the 2nd trimester, progress---nice!

I've had a few days off & back to work for the next three nights now, I know Christmas is going to be here before we know it, & so I try to take as much time to just enjoy everything. :)

10 1/2 weeks

So for the record I want to journal how I'm feeling physically/emotionally throughout this pregnancy. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but I want the memories somewhere & I would love to look back when I'm 15, 20, 30+ weeks & be like wow thats what I was going through then.
This blog was created this summer after I had my miscarriage, & the most consoling place at the time was this blog. It allowed me to get my thoughts out when I sure couldn't talk about it. I've learned plenty since then, forgave myself & God.
So here we are 10 weeks 4days. Emotionally I'm excited, but still unsure of things along the way. I know some women never have an ultrasound through their entire pregnancy, but for me its the only reassurance that everything is ok. I do feel blessed for being pregnant, but the looming thoughts of bad things are always at the back of mind. I take everyday to just sit & listen to what God wants to speak to me. & theres time when I hear, "don't worry, just don't worry anymore."
Yesterday we had our second appointment, it was with an OB nurse: we did a full medical history, & educational information about the pregnancy. Then we received information about insurance & cost, wow that was kind of overwhelming. A lot of things in my life are unknown- what genetic make-up do I have, what things may I be prone to biologically. Being adopted, you just accept these things, but when you have a child inside of you & half of the genetic make-up is yours, now thats scary. I've always been adamant about taking care of myself, but when its your baby--& you could be passing along traits you didn't know you had...again overwhelming.
For me there will be nothing more amazing than looking into the eyes of my child & seeing similarities of myself, I've never had that. I just hope they are all good.

Anywho, physically-- I am often still tired, & nauseous (the broken record part), I ate a bowl of cereal two hours ago, & my stomach is already growling... :) funny. Other than that I don't feel much yet.
I've been off for the last 9 days & head back to work the next three. Am I concerned a little, for anyone its tough to get back into the groove, when you don't feel like yourself even harder. Do I miss the patients @ work? I do.

The Turkey Sandwich

Whether it be the day after or a few hours after your feast, I just partook in my first day after turkey sandwich. It was perfect the right amount of mayo, ground pepper a bit of sea salt & toasted bread (wow I sound like Eli). He's taught me right. I may have eaten it alone, but I certainly wasn't craving it alone. I wake up most mornings btw. 6:30-7ish with a full bladder & an empty stomach. Sometimes I fight it for a bit, but when I feel the nausea moving in I surrender. This morning, I was more awake then usual & very hungry.
So here I am post sandwich, debating on some dessert.
We had a beautiful day yesterday. We are blessed to open up our home-this being the first year in it, to celebrate Thanksgiving with family & friends.

Today our plan (mostly mine) is to get a Christmas tree & decorate, again being our first year in a home, its exciting. Don't get me wrong we always decorated in our apartments, but its just somehow different in a home. We look forward to filling it & beginning traditions. :)

We are blessed!

We have each other, we have our health, & family & friends. And then I could go on; we have a home, food to nourish our bodies & clothes to keep us warm. Again at this time of year I always reflect on the year...what happened, what we endured & what I could have done, or might have done differently.
I am so Thankful that family & friends are coming over for Thanksgiving. Eli & Damaris (Eli's niece) are going to cook up a storm tomorrow & Thursday. I love when they get in the kitchen together, they truly enjoy each other's company. This is our first time hosting a holiday, being in our home for less than a year. Eli's menu is well, yummy-Even for a nauseous pregnant lady!

I'm so ready to get a tree on Friday & do all the Christmas-y stuff. I love this time of year.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

We are blessed!

Awake

What to do when you awaken @ 5am on a non-work day? Well be quiet so your husband doesn't wake up too, thats the kind thing. So I make my way downstairs & eat & blog. Umm still awake. So maybe I'll watch a show or two online, that always gets me sleepy. Did last night when I fell asleep ~ 9pm on the couch, poor Eli.

We were apart all day, I worked my shift 7-7pm. Arrived home around 7:45...was HUNGRY (& maybe a little cranky) when I walked in the door. He made a light dinner we ate, talked-watched one show (I didn't even make it through it) & I was done.

I hope since I'm so awake now, I'll nap a little bit & maybe be productive & get some stuff done today. Cleaning, decorating...about 17+ people will be here for Thanksgiving. I look forward to it, Eli & I haven't celebrated Thanksgiving with family in maybe 6 yrs. Being in California, making that quick trip was kind of.. well impossible. So this is our FIRST year to host, we're excited!....

Ok, time to try to get sleepy..'Private Practice' maybe first. :)

Welcome

This makes 3 new babies to Durham in less than 1 month.
We discussed if Holly delivered yesterday when we met for home group, we began with a prayer, ended in prayer for them & then all anxiously checked our phones for a message. Bless Holly for the strength she endured throughout the day!!
So we welcome ELANA CHRISTINE!!! I'm sure your big bros. Will can't wait to meet you, just like the rest of us!

Love/Hate relationship

I like certain food a lot when it enters my mouth, but the thought of what I might want to eat these days brings be to a new level of nausea. I like grocery shopping, strange to many, but now I'm overwhelemed by all of the scents that hit me like a brick wall when I enter a store. I am in no way complaining, just commenting on how I'm feeling. My eating schedule is much like a babys every 3-4 hrs. When I don't the nausea again appears. Its weird, but interesting. I'm enjoying it & feeling blessed everyday, though--truly I am.
My body craves sleep, I almost had to go in for an OT shift today, but I got called off as I was coming out of the shower-go figure. But that meant I could go downstairs & graze & go back to sleep. Its the most simple things on Maslow's list that I crave. :)

Oops

& so I told her I was nervous. Bless her she's pregnant & previously had a miscarriage as well. She quickly began the exam & I immediately clamped down on Eli's hand with my own. I looked away & she quickly started describing what she saw. As I turned to look, I saw this blinking on the screen, a healthy heartbeat @ 159 bpm. Praise God. After she pointed things out & answered our questions, we got to hear the heartbeat, now that has to be the coolest thing ever. The heartbeat of our baby beating inside of me...truly amazing.
I couldn't ask for a better day.

Also we want to WELCOME Baby Gusefski to Durham!! We've all been anxiously awaiting you!! :)

Heartbeat & all

Ok, so for those who aren't interested in baby stuff, this probably isn't the most exciting blog for you, but man this is a BEAUTIFUL DAY!!! Its rainy out, but it truly couldn't be a brighter day.
So we went....I actually met Eli there & he actually couldn't find me right away. But the Nurse Practioner was nice. Asked how we were, & I was honest

Not sure if I can go...

I am a wreck. First thing, I just awoke after working an overnight...maybe four hours of sleep, which is hardly enough. I'm not sure how I can go the doctor's appointment & lay there and actually pray more than I already have in the last 7+ weeks.
What if its bad news, but yet it could not be. Its like tossing that dime wishing for something, that's already is or not. I'm just not sure how I can do this....

Bringing home the bacon

Who should provide the income in a marriage? I bring home the main source of income now. Eli did for over 3 years in Cali, before that we both did. We've had more & more conversations about this recently. Whether its bible based or not, our feelings are aligned.
First we start discussing who we want to raise our children, and we've always agreed on this 100%. Him or I. That has never been an argument. Then we discuss which out of the two it may be. I honestly thought that I would always want to work, being a nurse affords me a schedule that puts me out of the home only 3 days a week, not too bad. Yes they are long days, but that allows me 4 days @ home. On the other side, we question if we could afford having children on just my income. And then I begin to question do I really want to be the one not at home with them all the time. I know Eli would be an amazing parent, but am I willing to give that part up, even if its only partially.
Either way I know we will work out the details, its just a blessing to have a reason to be talking about it. :)

Is there a baby in there....?

When it hurts, when I don't feel right..or when I don't feel anything at all- I wonder is there a BABY in there? For others maybe its as simple as taking a pregnancy test & knowing you're pregnant. BUT for me, my reality is & might be for a while-- what's going on in there? Its strange, its my body- but I don't know whats going on. Couldn't there be a way that I could create a secret window so I could look in at any time to know, probably NOT so much.
So back to the waiting. I've already envisioned the Dr.'s appt. on Thursday about 100 times.
I will lay on the table, they'll do the ultrasound, but I won't be able to look
If I am sooooo fortunate, we could hear/see a heartbeat. But I promise myself
not to expect that to be the case.

I sound so less faithful in my thoughts, but its my mechanism to try to protect myself.

~
On a lighter note, its Sunday, my first day off since being back from Boston. We've already made & ate breakfast-yum. Eli's painting, & I'm desiring to have some outdoor time today....then end the day with church. I LOVE Sundays! :)

Pregnancy...

7:14 Ecclesiastes
When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one
as well as the other.
Therefore, a man cannot discover
anything about his future.

Since I missed last weeks sermon, I was playing catch up between working my two night shifts this week & opened the bible and came upon this verse. It touched me, as I continued to study it I read the 'breakdown' of it in our study bible & that hit me even harder:

'God allows both good times & bad times to come to everyone. He blends them in our lives in such a way that we can't predict the future or count on human wisdom and power. We usually give ourselves credit for the good times. Then in bad times, we tend to blame God without thanking him for the good that comes out of it.'

When I got home from work now I went back to this & have read it over & over again. For some reason I'm finding great comfort in this passage. Its been over TWO weeks since I've blogged since we found out about this pregnancy.
I've been calmer than I expected I'd be, considering having the miscarriage 3 months ago. I thought I'd be a wreck & totally stressed out, but I truly thank GOD for the grace & patience he has bestowed upon me. I'd don't know what is going to happen with this pregnancy, I can & do pray for all things positive. I will be 7 weeks on Monday, still not surpassing the 8 1/2 weeks with the first one....but I know He has a plan & I desire to remain faithful in this.

Our 1st appt. with the OB/GYN is on Thursday, 11/13-ultrasound & all.

I like to be POSITIVE!!

Again, we're positive. As Shawn McDonald serenaded me I took the test upstairs. Within seconds two dark lines appeared. I sat there & just cried. Cried for what I feared I could not handle & for what blessings I felt at the same time. I waited a bit & then ran downstairs, Eli was not home & I promised myself to wait for him to be the first to tell. I wasn't so good in June in doing this.

I'm just going to take a few days to let it all settle in, to allow myself to feel all the emotions & try to just take each day as it comes. My plan is to call the Dr. upon my return from my trip to Boston, I don't want to wait on lab results on Hcg levels quite yet, man that is stressful. Or should I...? I keep going back & forth.
My prayer over & over in my head is grow baby, grow. I'll make it the best place to be for the next 9 months. I promise.
Happy Birthday, Eli- I love you.
(Please don't be mad if I haven't called you up to tell you the news- ok :) )

Time

This week went by very fast. I happily welcomed the weekend @ 7pm on Friday, when I was leaving the Hospital with many plans in my mind for the weekend. First one being Cats Cradle on Friday night. I felt like I was twenty-something again, rushing home & getting ready to go on a date. Eli & I had a good time listening to Thad then Chatham County Line. I knew I was ready for my bed mid way into the 2nd artist.

The rest of the weekend was relaxing & fun, spending time with friends; baby shower, grilling & baseball watching & of course V-21 on Sunday evening to wrap it all up. Now monday is upon us, & I actually got called off for my OT shift, a little disappointed but my body welcomed more sleep.

Now I'm just waiting. Four, 4 weeks ago I had my period, this time around we were diligent with, "our par" & we're hoping it won't arrive. But how do I wait to find out, you just do. We wait full of anticipation, partially assuming that it will come, so being disappointed won't be so hard, but truly just having faith. I know that if I find out that I'm not, I will be crushed...so I just wait. What a birthday gift it would be for Eli, in June it was our anniversary when we found out (close to it anyways)....

Growth

From this:



To this! ---->

Growth sneaks up on us. From plants to grass, yes-it must be mowed again. To friends & families. One of my best friends, my college roommate is moving out of the country & getting married. Why is it alarming to me. Its a lot to take in. Its a different when you're the one doing the crazy thing, moving across country after only knowing someone for about a year, but when its one of your friends, wow! You realize you've both grown up. And when the third of the trio is still there, where you both planted seeds, its a lot to take in.
Growth is a good thing. Friends whose families are growing, doubling--its exciting. To parents whose growth have brought them to the retirement stage in their life, in a time that is financially scary. All I can do is pray that growth brings challenges that help us realize its not so scary!

Rained out

So we're campers. Eli has camped sans a tent, me I prefer a tent. I don't mind the cold, I can layer & the rain is fine if it stops. Well we made it to the Blue Ridge Parkway without rain. Our first night, no rain...til about midnight then it came down. At first I felt all cozy in the tent, then when we realized the tent was leaking a bit not so fun. Usually we wake up with the sun rise, 6/7am...with no sunrise we slept til 9am..oops. Then I thought I'd cheat & listen to the weather forecast in the car, more rain & heavier at times till Friday....Ok-time to head home. Between the rain, & the fog (could barely see the next camp site), it was time to head back.
We camped at J.Price Park right off the Parkway. A great site, not far from Blowing Rock or Boone. We definitely will go back, with a couple things in mind:
1.Check out the weather before you go
2.Go mid to late October, foliage hadn't peaked yet
3.& purchase a new tent :)

Now, we're home: no rain, 20 degrees warmer & a free day before work knocks on our door Friday.







Our little friend...

Off Camping....

So we're headed to Julian Price Park today. We've learned from incidents in California & elsewhere its always best to let loved ones know where you're going. We plan on being back late Thursday.
http://www.recreation.gov/campgroundDetails.do?contractCode=NRSO&parkId=74043
Enjoy your week!!

A day for Amy & Joey!

The hostess with the mostess! :)



Grandma Gusefski & Grandma Humphrey



Drink anyone?


The Aunts to be...





Yeah, Presents:
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& some games



Harry & his flirty ways.

Remodel Progress...

ORIGINAL- how we first met this 1/2 bath. Check out the wall paper. Pic Dec'07.



Pic: From guest bathroom upstairs, but same vanity was in 1/2 bath downstairs.


Sink be gone, look at those sexy legs. My 'Jack of All Trades'!! love you Eli. :)



Newly laid tile where vanity used to be & now awaiting the pedestal sink....

I love that I am still learning new things about Eli, after 10yrs. I love that he keeps surprising me. He has & will be doing either the plumbing, carpentry, tiling & the electrical work in this bathroom. What can I say, I love you!! & thank-you!!

Seriously, seriously

Is that Christmas paper under there? What were they thinking.....The surprises you find when you peal away the wallpaper!! Part 2 of Bathroom remodel.

Coffee Talk

So our male counterparts, our husbands have been really good about meeting every week for coffee to talk about 'Guy' stuff, amongst other things. Well since our big Durham group split this fall, I have been missing the other women in the group. We all have busy lives...family, jobs, church, homes and babies on the way. I've realized though I need & desire this connection to my new friends. I'm so used to doing things my way and living in my relationship & not opening up about what goes on. By having this coffee time, & talking & listening, I'm growing and learning more about myself than I ever could on my own. Thank-you!!

& another....

Missing SF....

(Hey Anita- I borrowed) :)

Lowes-remodel bathroom

So, we made a trip last week to Lowes. Our initial seek & find trip. We are remodeling our 1/2 bath downstairs. Tearing down the wallpaper, adding a new sink & well more to come. For now these are the pics of items we may purchase.... Our goal is have it done by Oct. 4th, Amy's baby shower that will be at our home. What a good excuse, right? :)
So here are some pedestal sinks. Still have to pick out lighting, & fixtures. And need to paint & put up bead board...how exciting!! :)


Which one to choose...?


Probably this one!

Catch up...

So where do the days, weeks, months go. I was told this would happen when I got older, & well its happening, time is just flying by. I am soooo HAPPY that its fall, its definitely my most favorite & now being back on this coast for Fall, I realized completely how much I missed it!
So to celebrate the welcoming of fall...I baked, yes I did, Apple Crisp for our Community Group on Monday night. It was tasty, I hope all enjoyed.
Tuesday I met my friend Truly for coffee in the am, with the scent of pumpkin & spice, yes the season is here. And then spent the afternoon with Holly & hubby searching for the right flowers/plants. Her entry way to her home is always so inviting. I asked for her guidance, because she has experience planting here in NC which is new to us. Our first experience in the spring ended with Bunnies eating ALL of our pansies. So we got Spapdragons & some Kale.





This weekend I'm going to pick up some Mums @ the Durham Farmer's Market...decidedly the best price in town!
Yesterday & Wednesday I did this thing called work. :) Weds. was an extremely long day I clocked in @ 6:30am and left @ 9:30pm. For a couple hours after work I had to go to training for new monitors that we're getting next week. My friend Charity & I decided to get it all done with on the same day we were working, yes it made for a long day, but boy I slept great that night & again today, my day off--I awoke @ 10am, not typically like me....
We also went to some friend's home who were hosting an 'Office' party...Go Dunder Mifflin! :)

Mixed Bag

Of emotions that is. So I awoke-feeling glad that I had yet another day of no work, but also feeling a little crabby, cause I was feeling cramps. After a visit to the bathroom, I realized I have my period... :(
I thought I would cry right away, instead I tried to search for my feelings. I knew I was disappointed, but I also felt numb. When you're trying to get pregnant, your period is the last thing you want. I would welcome, aching boobs, bloated-ness & all that comes along with the beginning of being pregnant, but I won't be celebrating any of these feelings for at least another 30 days.
So I had a day thus far of praying, walking @ Duke Forest & shopping @ Target.
Part of me wishes I could truly express what I'm feeling, and the other part just wishes I could cry & believe that when it will happen it will.

Working Nights

So, I gotta say I'm not a night person. On a normal schedule, I am an early riser. I love beating the sunrise or at least meeting it while I'm out on a walk/run. Recently my schedule has been going back & forth btw. night/days. I do surprisingly like working nights, though. People on nights tend to be a bit more layed back & well the vibe is too.
Some people are like, ugh-you work nights & can't even fathom doing it, but honestly its not that bad.
On a side note at work, I think about the babies I take of from 22 weekers to term babies that are large glucose unstable new borns. I wonder if God willing, we are able to have a child;
a.Will it end up here
b.Would I carry a baby to term or
c.What will I do when I have a patient that dies on my shift.
These amongst other things, are what I labor over in my mind. I see a lot, hear a lot-which I like, but when it hits home, then it becomes overwhelming....

A little Raw

So, movies lately are my habit, especially when its raining. I watched, 'She Found Me' with Helen Hunt. I had read the blurb online about a mother finding her biological child after giving her up for adoption yrs. ago. And of course I have interest in this kind of movies, but then what happened in the movie I least expected, really moved me. Helen Hunt's character is 39 yrs. old and desperately or shall I say passionately wants a baby, instead what seemed to be a comfortable marriage was one that her husband wanted out of. So, she thought her prospects of having a child was slim. Instead she did get pregnant (I won't don't tell you with whom), BUT at one of her OB visits her ultrasound was devastating. It was unexpected, & took my breath away & put my heart back to that place. I so vividly remembered what it felt like to be laying there, in that silence & knowing something is wrong. Then to have the days after feeling so angry & wanting to place the blame on someone, & for me that often ended up on God
Now, I do feel as though I am in a better place & I don't know what His plans are and after some recent conversations with Eli, we know we want to remain faithful in His plan.

On a lighter note I also saw, 'Baby Mama' this week & my favorite quote from Angie (Amy Pohler) is, "YOU don't know my life _ITCH."........In context in the movie its funny, seriosly. :)

Roller Coaster

I love them, but yet hate them sooo much. That moment when you're at the top, or even before hand...when the coaster is cricking bit, by bit up & up & up to the top...and then RELEASE all the way down, but yet somehow your stomach was left at the top.
Well I feel as if I should place a suit of armor around my heart & pray for the best, we are about to start trying (so weird to say), but yes we are having sex with ALL intentions to have a healthy baby soooon!!
I hope I'm ready for the ride! ;)

In Search of....

Work, we all do it to some capacity in our lives. I just remember my parents always saying, "do what you love & then it won't feel so much like work." This sounds so much easier than it actually is for me. I've spent years trying to find what I like & what I'm good at. Now, I work a challenging position that I keep questioning myself over & over, is this my goal? Do I really see myself in this role 2yrs, 5yrs down the road. At this moment I say, "No!" Do I know in my heart what that may be, no. So I continue to search...search for what I love & what I truly feel like is my calling. I'll continue to do my job & pray that I bring something to it & that I'm a better person that learns from it, but right now I feel frustrated & not very knowledgeable.
Ok, this is probably a tired person venting who just worked 24 hrs of her weekend & who slept way past her alarm this morning, but just wanted to put my thoughts into words. g'd night.

Sunny things, kind of...

We're in the mist of Hurricane Season, new to us transplanted New England/Californians. People talk about it at work, in passing & so we must pay respect to mother nature, who knows what the next few weeks may bring. So as we enter this rather rainy time, here are some warm-bright things that make me happy. :)

Happiness Blossoms

So I can often be totally cheesy, yes-I like girl flicks, and sometimes(often)I cry at sappy commercials even. But I can't say enough about the group of friends that we've met in North Carolina. Through Eli's illness to our recent miscarriage our lives have been soooo abundant with love. From listening, hugging, talking, crying & giving- we thank-you.
We love opening our home to all of you!!
&
Hope you had a Happy Birthday Truly!!



(& of course we miss our Cali, Boston friends & family too)

Away

I love the adventure of going somewhere new. New to me, & new to Eli. This past weekend we were in Myrtle Beach, North actually. My favorite part is the beach, especially first thing in the morning. Which we did, both mornings.
Then I like to beach it all day, some sun then naps and then relaxing under the umbrella, then water time too. The chaos of the area I could do without, but the waves lapping on the shore & the sound that accompanies it is my favorite. I could so easily live at the beach...perhaps one day.

Awake

I shouldn't be awake at this time...3:15am. I awoke at 2am & tip-toed down stairs for a swig of lemonade. I often awake thirsty...wonder why that is?
Anyways I have the next 6 days off, YEAH.
& right now I feel like writing about what I'm thankful for (In the Thanksgiving spirit-I love the holidays...quickly approaching). I know its not even Labor Day yet, but I've been working on my holiday schedule for work & so I'm in the mood.
Anyways...I'm thankful for:
1.Two great unexpected friends. Unexpected because I didn't even know them a few months back & now I go to them in tears, with my concerns & just for a hug.
2.For ALL the support Eli & I have received this last month, how blessed we are.
3.For Eli-who trys to do it all, always loving & caring & even after 10 yrs. we're still learning more & more about each other.
4.For feeling full of hope & for wanting to do so much more than what I've already accomplished.

Ok 3:22...I truly need some sleep. :)

The Truth

I've become addicted to reading other peoples blogs. Most of them are so nice with pictures & all. Mine is not. If you know me, you would know I love to take photos, just find me on Facebook.
But here & now, I'm not feeling that way. I thought time would make this feel better, well I'm not. I thought getting closer to my next cycle would alleviate the sad state of my heart. RIGHT now I am angry & sad, I'm back to crying often & usually not sure when.
My life (I feel) right now consists of being busy at work (or stressed at work), coming home & feeling sad. When Eli asks, "whats wrong?". I feel like I don't know where to start. I search for the answers of how what happened 4 weeks ago has affected me sooo much. I don't feel like the same person. I'm waiting for God to send me answers, but until then I feel as though I'm walking in this alone.
I look for things that might make me happy: a beautiful day, a pretty flower, yummy muffins....:)
& pray for an open heart, ready for guidance.

Time

Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since the D & C. I'm still relating everything to that day, pre-D&C & post. Time has softend the blow. Physically I feel completely fine, energy & all. Emotionally I have my moments.
Yesterday we had our first follow-up appt. with the Dr. It went well. She gave us the 'a-ok' on trying, but waiting for one cycle to pass first. Of course the questions are: when will I get my period, (it's been since May) & will we be able to get pregnant.
I am SOOOOooo over the comment that people say, "At least you know you can get pregnant." What if it was a fluke, what if...a million things. Time just has to pass for us to know anything more. This has been a roller coaster ride thus far & I can imagine we've only just begun....

You gotta love Target

I've been away & not processing thoughts by blogging for a couple days. Today I awoke after working 3 consecutive nights in a row, my mind aching for food, caffeine & probably more sleep. I caught another episode of 'Bones' & dabbled a little bit online. When Eli made it home we decided to do a Target run. I love that place, you can get cereal, a pair of converse kicks, nail polish & a chic mirror or whatever. Did we buy all that today-NO. But you gotta love walking around & eyeing all of it.

My goal today was to get our dear friends in Cali a baby gift, their son was born July 7th & I hadn't sent anything. I was fine as I started looking at cards, reading them-choosing the cutest one, the right one. But then of course I had to think, had to relate it to me & how what happened last week affected us, with the end result of no child in 7 months. So then I cried.
Cried for what I assumed would be, cried for what is not going to be.
After the card selection, I was ok. Then it was gift time & how can that not be fun. Cute, adorable little onesies & soft blankets & toys...

We got a few other things & made our way home. No sooner did we get home did we run into loving neighbors. & how can you possibly disagree that they aren't god sent. :)

Reflect

You know when you return from a trip & you reflect about what you were doing a week ago, because you yearn to be back on that trip doing whatever you desire.
Well today I awoke from working my first shift last night & all I could think about was what I was doing a week ago. How much my heart hurt a week ago, how much I was in disbelief & totally crushed.
Now, as I begin my journey by opening up about it, I keep learning that more & more people have experienced it. My 'Nurse Roomie' & I talked it about it last night only to learn she lost a pregnancy earlier this year & now she's pregnant again, 10 weeks & due in February. February, that was going to be when we were due...another anniversary.
One of my closest friends said, "Gods time is Best." Somewhere in my heart I know this is true, & I'm really trying to release & give it all to him, but right now I'm feeling very challenged by this.

Waiting

Its almost been a week, and my body now feels like I remember from its pre-pregnancy state. The cramps, the discomfort & bleeding has ended. Now I'm just trying to look ahead...the questions of when will I ovulate, will my period be like it was before? Will my body know what to do.
& so now we wait, one cycle must pass before we can try again. WE've lost 5 months I feel, maybe even more if we can't get pregnant again. I know I can't keep thinking this way, but one's mind does. I feel like mine always tries to prepare for the worst in hopes for something better. I pray that these next few months are accompanied with patience. Cause now all I can do is wait.

Thank-you.

Can your heart expand to accommodate all the kindness? I feel like mine has to. Everyone from parents, to siblings, nieces...family, & neighbors & friends have all been so supportive. From dropping by, to special words via phone messages, calls & emails. I am truly touched. My body still aches from what is missing, but you have ALL been so giving & loving & caring. I hope you know that even though I may not be able to show you how much it means right now, it does.
I have felt alone at times, even if Eli is right next to me- I still can. I wonder why my body failed me.
I hurt so much in church today, not sure why-- I was just flooded with tears. My favorite part is the music, but today I just wanted to leave, just wanted to sink into my chair.
I want to not feel so angry and sad, I want to feel ok again.

Itch'in

Today is one of those days where you're looking for something. Something to do, say, see. The words in my mind aren't quite making it to my lips and so I'm here blogging instead. Sometimes I just want to run, run away...not from anyone, but just somewhere new, somewhere unknown. Mostly to water, to the ocean, which is really just too far away.
I'm tired of napping, watching stuff online, sitting. I'd rather be outside doing, seeing...something.

Empty

So I've decided the nights are the hardest. To lay there and have the darkness surround you. I laid there and questioned if we did the right thing. Maybe we could have waited a little longer and see what may have happened.
I spent time when I was pregnant trying to remember what my body felt like when I wasn't, and now all I can focus on is what it felt like to be pregnant. Did any of it truly happen? I know I felt it, something growing inside. And now EMPTINESS is what I'm filled with instead....

Silence

Sometimes silence is nice. Its peaceful after a long day of work. After a stressful situation. Silence allows you to be alone in your thoughts. I'm doing my best being in the silence and trying not to ask the quesions like WHY? What if? & the Should of, could of, would haves.
I want to focus on the future. Want to know that we will be ok, the pain won't be as strong. I'm trying to be alone in this silence & know it will be ok.

Lost

My heart feels lost. I'm a black & white person, meaning I like the science of things. I need to know why & how come. What does the results show? Are there lab values to back it up. What are the expected outcomes? Right now my heart doesn't know what to feel, but my mind is a constant stream of images & thoughts.

We began experiencing our first pregnancy on June 23rd. My LMP being May 24th. We started telling everyone, were we wrong in doing so? My heart does not know. Fast forward to yesterday July 23rd, to what was suppose to be our 8 week check ended in a day I don't wish upon anyone. The actual procedure, the D & C, I don't recall anything-thank God, but everything leading up to it I do.
The worst part of yesterday was laying on the examining table with the ultrasound & the NNP searching for something that wasn't there. To be eight weeks I know what should be there, wishing & praying that it was, wasn't helping. It was determined that there was no yolk sac or fetal pole, the yolk had grown but that was all.
I kept having these bad thoughts leading up, but I truly did not anticipate yesterday. In the last two weeks I was extremely exhausted, beginning to be nauseous & my hCG levels were increasing.
So I'm still asking myself, "how did we get here?"