12 weeks-End of 1st Trimester

Wow- this is a big deal for us. We, Eli & I & most of all God has led us through our 1st trimester. Would I say it was easy now that we are here, mmm-NO. I now know I can cry pretty easily---ok really is this a big surprise to me, no, but yesterday I think was my last messy cry of this trimester-I hope.
We had an OB appt. yesterday, it was your typical gynecological exam, pap & all. Eli came, but decided to stay in the lobby, no biggy. At the end of the exam, she got the hand held Doppler out...to what I thought would be a quick listen & go. The doc glided it over my belly, we heard movement --or she said she heard movement, then a quick heartbeat & then NOTHING. My eyes flooded with tears & it brought me back to July 23rd & that dreadful day. She said it was 'normal' for it to be difficult to hear the heart beat- That didn't help, it did not console me.
I apologized, said I was a little sensitive due to the miscarriage this summer. I couldn't stop crying. They continued to keep reassuring me that it was ok, I hesitantly told them Eli was out in the waiting room. I wanted him to be in there now, well part of me did. There was a part that didn't want him there, so I could protect him, if it truly was bad news--I wanted to deal with it, protect him from the pain.
The doc instructed the nurse to roll the ultrasound machine in, & she went to get Eli. Within seconds the machine was set up & a man (this is funny) that was NOT Eli began to enter the room. I just shook my head & he did the same. His name was ERIK, mmm Eli, whatever...I was actually kind of amused by it at the time, kind of---more so now.
I didn't understand where Eli went, but no sooner could I dwell on it, she had already lathered up the wand & found the baby inside, heartbeat and all. I just kept thinking, wow, thank God...its so different when its you. Wow, there truly is a baby inside. The doctor felt super bad about the whole mix up. I was just so thankful otherwise, I just joked about it, at that point.

Then I realized having a child is going to forever play with my heartstrings. When its myself I can deal with pain, hurt. But if its someone else I can see myself wanting to do ANYthing to protect.

Oh & Eli went out to the car, had a headache & fell asleep, did I give him a hard time, ya a little. :)