From Bean town to California to an unexpected North Carolina. We gave birth to this Blog after our miscarriage in July 2008 & it continues with the birth of Liliana in July of 2009. We are so truly blessed.
Where is the manual? Are you hiding it, I can't seem to find it these days. I know I've blogged about this before being a mom, a wife & having a career. I was a newer mom when I blogged about it, think I wasn't back to work too long & I felt completely inadequate @ work, as a mom & as a wife. My days are dependent on caffeine and constantly trying to catch up on sleep.
I don't mean to feel like a broken record, but after leaving CG tonight & putting my babe to bed I realized what was really on my heart....me trying to find the balance. I thought it would have found me sooner, at least w/in Lili's first 12 months but that has come & gone & still I often feel scattered. My schedule at work varies & perhaps if that was set perhaps I would feel a little more structure. I like structure. Am I dependent on it, these days not such much. Do I feel like I need it a little more these days-YES. So its been some time where Liliana & I have spent the whole day together & honestly it was lovely. But constantly in the back of my head, I kept thinking I'm back to work the next 2 nights & so it feels like my 'mommy' duty is put on hold. I resume to my life on Thursday, as this tired person. I feel as if I'm in this constant green light, red light game that is my life. Its consuming, and tiring, but also full of love. I just continue to feel as if I don't do anything great these days, I want to be a great mom, I want to be a great wife & worker, but I feel I do one & the other one gives.
Please, I'm waiting & still searching for that manual...I promise I'll give it back.
So our trip to Maple View Farms was just what we needed... a summer drive through the country that ended with some cool, refreshing ice-cream. I don't think it gets much better than this. Lately, I've gone from wanting to live by the coast to back to San Francisco to now wanting to be in the 'country'. What a scenic, simple ride once you get off of 40. It reminded me of where I grew up in NH, yet now I didn't mind being so far off the beaten path. I rather enjoyed it.
We got some cones & just rocked on the front porch, then ran around in the grass a little & took the sunset in. It was definitely worth 5 bucks and a twenty minute ride.
Simple pleasures of summer, we definitely don't eat out like we used, but we've been blessed with some wonderful food from friends and local vendors. Our favorites have been the blackberries & peaches from the Durham Farmer's Market. Whether eaten in its pure form or in a cobbler, yum!
My friend's chickens have provided some wonderful egg sandwiches....a nice way to wake up after a night shift. I can eat breakfast any time of the day.
We've been making lots of pizzas with more veggies from friends gardens & CSAs~thank-you & my favorite as of late is a tomato, corn, cilantro, mango & red onion salad....poor Eli, I think I ate the whole bowl.
So our days at the beach turned into hours, and our days camping turned into 2, well 2 nights & barely three days. This was our first camping trip with Lili and as much as I wanted it to be one thing well it turned out to be very much something else. I must repeat what I wanted didn't pan out. I wanted was a week at the beach & what I needed to realize is that is NOT what my family can do right know.
So this is what it was & as I think about it I know how very fortunate I am. We arrived at a remote campground, amongst a lot of history in Creswell, NC. Pettigrew State Park which includes Phelps Lake. What I appreciated is that I got to walk on a former southern plantation rich in history, which was just a stroll away from our campsite. A stroll in the other direction brought us to a boat launch to a massive calm lake. While driving into the campground off of 64, we were surprised at the landscape. Creswell is mainly a farm town amongst miles & miles of canals, which we learned to have been dug by slaves centuries ago. Again, amazing history.
We did get to spend a few hours at Nags Head on the Outer Banks & got to check out the Currituck Lighthouse. It was impressive. We did spend a lot of time watching Liliana: she explored, got dirty, got frustrated at small things, big things. She was just so on the go & at times I think her mind keeps going but her actions don't quite keep up & so she falls. And so falling outside on sticks & rocks hurt compared to carpet inside our comfy home. She was a trooper we all slept together in our tent. All I can say about that is Lili is a great sleeper at home now, sleeps 12 hours straight @ night. It was not the case when we were camping. She struggled quite a bit when she would wake up, while at home she still awakens @ night in her crib, but falls quickly back to sleep. In the tent she would do so & then cry and cry and cry some more, sometimes standing, sometimes rolling around, over us in the tent. She did better the second night, but still nothing like at home. Even trying to fall asleep was different. And well of course we realize it wasn't home, she did great for the first time.
We did realize by Tuesday night she wasn't herself, had a fever & so we packed it up the next am & came back. Now Eli & her aren't so hot.... :( (this was last week & now we are all much, much better)
This definitely won't keep us back from camping at all. We just think we may eliminate some of the factors, heat & it not being the 1st time. In a few months in the fall it will be a new & different experience for us all again.... And also what I realized its not about me, what I want - what I need to happen. Its about letting go & just enjoying the time that we have as a family, all together.