From Bean town to California to an unexpected North Carolina. We gave birth to this Blog after our miscarriage in July 2008 & it continues with the birth of Liliana in July of 2009. We are so truly blessed.
I love the adventure of going somewhere new. New to me, & new to Eli. This past weekend we were in Myrtle Beach, North actually. My favorite part is the beach, especially first thing in the morning. Which we did, both mornings. Then I like to beach it all day, some sun then naps and then relaxing under the umbrella, then water time too. The chaos of the area I could do without, but the waves lapping on the shore & the sound that accompanies it is my favorite. I could so easily live at the beach...perhaps one day.
I shouldn't be awake at this time...3:15am. I awoke at 2am & tip-toed down stairs for a swig of lemonade. I often awake thirsty...wonder why that is? Anyways I have the next 6 days off, YEAH. & right now I feel like writing about what I'm thankful for (In the Thanksgiving spirit-I love the holidays...quickly approaching). I know its not even Labor Day yet, but I've been working on my holiday schedule for work & so I'm in the mood. Anyways...I'm thankful for: 1.Two great unexpected friends. Unexpected because I didn't even know them a few months back & now I go to them in tears, with my concerns & just for a hug. 2.For ALL the support Eli & I have received this last month, how blessed we are. 3.For Eli-who trys to do it all, always loving & caring & even after 10 yrs. we're still learning more & more about each other. 4.For feeling full of hope & for wanting to do so much more than what I've already accomplished.
I've become addicted to reading other peoples blogs. Most of them are so nice with pictures & all. Mine is not. If you know me, you would know I love to take photos, just find me on Facebook. But here & now, I'm not feeling that way. I thought time would make this feel better, well I'm not. I thought getting closer to my next cycle would alleviate the sad state of my heart. RIGHT now I am angry & sad, I'm back to crying often & usually not sure when. My life (I feel) right now consists of being busy at work (or stressed at work), coming home & feeling sad. When Eli asks, "whats wrong?". I feel like I don't know where to start. I search for the answers of how what happened 4 weeks ago has affected me sooo much. I don't feel like the same person. I'm waiting for God to send me answers, but until then I feel as though I'm walking in this alone. I look for things that might make me happy: a beautiful day, a pretty flower, yummy muffins....:) & pray for an open heart, ready for guidance.
Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since the D & C. I'm still relating everything to that day, pre-D&C & post. Time has softend the blow. Physically I feel completely fine, energy & all. Emotionally I have my moments. Yesterday we had our first follow-up appt. with the Dr. It went well. She gave us the 'a-ok' on trying, but waiting for one cycle to pass first. Of course the questions are: when will I get my period, (it's been since May) & will we be able to get pregnant. I am SOOOOooo over the comment that people say, "At least you know you can get pregnant." What if it was a fluke, what if...a million things. Time just has to pass for us to know anything more. This has been a roller coaster ride thus far & I can imagine we've only just begun....
I've been away & not processing thoughts by blogging for a couple days. Today I awoke after working 3 consecutive nights in a row, my mind aching for food, caffeine & probably more sleep. I caught another episode of 'Bones' & dabbled a little bit online. When Eli made it home we decided to do a Target run. I love that place, you can get cereal, a pair of converse kicks, nail polish & a chic mirror or whatever. Did we buy all that today-NO. But you gotta love walking around & eyeing all of it.
My goal today was to get our dear friends in Cali a baby gift, their son was born July 7th & I hadn't sent anything. I was fine as I started looking at cards, reading them-choosing the cutest one, the right one. But then of course I had to think, had to relate it to me & how what happened last week affected us, with the end result of no child in 7 months. So then I cried. Cried for what I assumed would be, cried for what is not going to be. After the card selection, I was ok. Then it was gift time & how can that not be fun. Cute, adorable little onesies & soft blankets & toys...
We got a few other things & made our way home. No sooner did we get home did we run into loving neighbors. & how can you possibly disagree that they aren't god sent. :)