BIRTH STORY~ 3 weeks out

BIRTH STORY

My heart, body, mind will NEVER be the same again. Women may tell you how amazing birth is, going through labor experiencing it all.
Each story is already written yet so unique. My body was made to labor the way I did. I'm not sure why but it is. I was created to give birth to Lilana Ilys Rodriguez.
Did I know this years ago NO.
My body, I thought was suppose to be thin & muscular. Not thick & sore. I enjoyed being pregnant though. Having nothing to base my experience on, not knowing my birth mother, I was walking in it with no precedence. I felt a good about this, nothing to live up to, no standard to follow.
Being adopted is special, I feel I am my own person, the only expectations that are set are self inflicted.
I knew I wanted to keep this birth experience as natural as I could tolerate, as long as baby was tolerating it too.

When one labors for hours, with minimal sleep & food--or shall I say days. Their mind eventually will pause & say I can't go on, can I truly go on & do this?
Strength must come from somewhere deeper inside than I ever imagined. The external support I received was nothing I've experienced before. When I revisit the photos that were taken, my heart swells. Thank-you Doula-a-la Stacy, Holly for being there for the long haul & to Mel & Amy for what I so deeply needed on Sunday.
These days were amazing I felt so connected to Eli--all I had to do was look his way & he knew what I needed. Whether it was a hand on my body or a sip of drink to fill me up. He was so in tuned to my needs.
The friends, who I'd like to call family knew when to be there & when to release. How did this beautiful dance transpire with some people that have known me less than 2yrs..? With God's guidance.
He truly knew what I needed & we all just followed.

Parts of Labor that are clear to me are; Early morning 'cramps' with the begining of emesis on Weds., Bloody show early am on Thursday, vomiting a lot (unfortunately), many walks up & down our stairs, a birth ball, tub-to-toilet, Child's pose, massage, hip press, heart burn (papaya & the Tums to my relief), neighborhood walks, silent moments, contractions, pumping to bring on more contractions, a mix of castor oil, black & blue cohosh, primrose oil, Raspberry tea.....& LOVE. Trust in the process, in my body. Willing & prayers that were so mindful in bringing about a healthy baby. Yearning to be closer to the end, to the actual birth.

Monday approached quickly, as I labored through Sunday evening. Thankfully my body never slowed down that evening & we all made our way to the hospital. Stacy, our doula, Holly & Eli. They all knew it was coming. I just felt like this passenger to the amazing process that was about to take place. The events at the hospital are a bit misplaced in my mind. All I had imprinted in my mind was get to the birth, breathe, take on the contractions. You can make it, you have to do this for our child. I was again in the tub, on the bed for some monitoring, back to the tub....hours passed for me. 6cm, 8cm, 8 1/2, 9cm. Try pushing, still that last cm to go. Back labor, pain more intense than ALL the contractions summed into one. What do I do, do I submit. I tried pictured myself pushing through. I couldn't find comfort in any of this. I knew what my body could not tolerate pushing at this point. One of the difficult decisions I made, I accepted the aid of Pitocin & an Epidural. For moments I felt like a failure, this wasn't what I wanted, I expected so much more of myself. I didn't want this to be the end of our birth story.
I found solitude & peace, but when I could feel my body again, hear my mind after the back pain diminished. I was at peace again. Next Dr. Fetko
walked in & she was my angel. She performed our D & C on July 23rd 2008. I was content in knowing that she would deliver our baby. Thank-ful more than anything. So I pushed, aided on by Eli on my left, nurse Becky on my right & my team responding how far & quick the progress we were making. One discussion I do remember before I started pusing was the nurse asking, "How do I want to push," all I could think was to get her OUT. She asked if we had gone to classes for this--um no, I read plenty & I was counting on them to guide me. :)
The pushing last a bit over an hour. It went quick, it seemed.
The kept asking if I wanted a mirror, no- honestly I didn't want to be discouraged if this was to transpire for a long amount of time....At one point I was encouraged to put my hands down & feel, it was amazing~all I could feel was her head w/soft hair. At the beginning of pushing, I remember Fetko looking @ the nurse & state that she saw meconium. Being a NICU nurse, I know too well--how sick mec. babies can be. I immediately went to a place in my mind to PUSH, PUSH & get this baby out. The Pediatric team was there, I also knew what that ment. It was in preparation of a sick baby. They were there for the entire delivery, a doctor I work with at Duke was there. Was this for real, what's happening. Desats, decels, oxygen on me for my baby. There would be no cutting of the cord, no catching of babe by dad, no immediate skin-skin contact.
No crys were heard, I didn't see my baby.
I did see the team working on her, and Eli watching. Did I do something wrong, so many questions & a lot of silence went through my bed. Holly, was next to me supporting me-thank-you. Did I say much, don't remember, I don't hear her. I don't clearly remember when I was told it was a girl, it must have been by Eli...

Apgars 3, 7, 9. Thank-god I didn't know this that day, I've learned a lot since her birth. She was NOT vigorous when born, she was pretty covered in Meconium. I was thank-ful to be there.

When she was handed to me, its fuzzy now. That night I do remember laying in bed w/her in disbelief & with no sleep. We were in our little bubble, a perfect place. I love my cluster of three!:)