Birth Day

I'm taking time today to think of the woman I will never know, the one who gave birth to me 35 years ago. What thoughts, feelings was she thinking when she gave birth to me. Did she know that she had/want to give me up for adoption. How difficult was that decision for her or was it not even an option but something that was decided for her. All these thoughts/questions unanswered. I'm truly not sure & I honestly feel comfortable not knowing these answers even after all these years.

I just want to celebrate the life that was given to me. The life that I can give birth to in 3 months.

I play out so many different scenarios in my life that "could have" happened. I could have remained in Colombia never adopted or adopted by someone else (strange). I am who I am because of my loving parents that raised me, where I grew up & all the people that God has placed in my life. When I come back to my birth day 35 years ago I have to thank my birth mom, for what ever reason, she let me go--for I know the life I'm in is where I'm suppose to be.

Double Digits

Ok, quick post...so often I check the counter to the left of the post. LOOK @ it today...we're in double digits CRAZY & (again) exciting...ok that's all folks, time to be w/hubby on the couch....no not like that...silly people. :)

Inspiration

So here are the colors we're going with:


Eli's already begun painting:



A crib sheet we couldn't resist buying:



& some receiving blankets:



We're both kind of picky on colors, but have agreed on these...whether it's a girl or boy...I'm in love with these colors. This is getting pretty fun & exciting.... :)

What if Yesterday Turned Out Differently...?

When I was in the mist of crying, painful tears yesterday ALL I could think of is God- I don't think I can do this day if its going to turn out bad. I began my day by awaking before Eli & lying in bed awaiting baby kicks. One of my favorite parts of the day...our days have been ending & beginning with sweet baby kicks. I typically enjoy a few & then Eli's hands migrate to the belly to enjoy as well.
The problem was I didn't feel ANY yesterday morning, and in the back of my mind I had to admit that I didn't feel any the night before. By the time I truly accepted the last time I felt 'kicks' was about 36 hrs prior. This seemed like a long time to me. Granted when I am @ work, which I was for 12-13 hrs on Tues. & Weds. its hard to put everything in a neat timeline in your head.
Regardless, when I awoke Thursday morning & still didn't feel them I was getting concerned. When Eli awoke & couldn't feel movements either, he got out my stethoscope & tried to hear something...only to hear my hungry stomach churning away. At this point I knew I wanted to call the Dr. and so I did.
They seemed casual at first, until I told them my message for the OB nurse & then they said, well-- you can come in right away, "how far do you live?" Then I knew of their concern & my heart & my soul truly collapsed.

How can you love someone sooo much before you have even met them. My body felt paralyzed & on my way upstairs I made about a 100 promises to God. I felt like I didn't hear a response & I wasn't sure what to do w/that, besides cry.
Thankfully we made our way to the dr.'s & waited quietly in the waiting room & as she placed the doppler on my belly, we heard sounds & then a quick, healthy heartbeat....relief flooded my body. As much as I was relieved, I also knew this could happen again in the next 14 weeks....or 40+ years.
If I feel this helpless, vulnerable now I can't even imagine what parenting will be like. WOW.....
Baby Rodriguez, I look forward to your birth & to see how my heart will be forever changed.

My poor Aching Back....

So I do like work. I'll admit it after not being here for a few days, its tough to come back, but when I do or usually my walk into work I wonder what kind of day it will be. You NEVER can anticipate what kind of patient, family, situation you may have--I have learned this.
I had a trying case yesterday-- a newborn with so many anomalies...I'm not sure if I couldn't even list them all here or do I want to for that matter. No one, no baby should have to deal with all that this tiny body is dealing with. Regardless, its still fascinating & interesting to me. My other patient was a sweet 33 week twin, who was eating, breathing everything on his own. It was a nice balance.
Today, two different patients.
My only theme for the two days is MY ACHING BACK. Aching like somehow my sciatic nerve has been exposed & the shooting pain won't stop. Heat helps (takes the edge off), and knowing that I have a few days off that also helps but otherwise it hurts. Someone from PT who was working on one of patient's yesterday kindly brought me a back band for preggos, so far thats helping a bit too...Ok that was my rant. :)

Coffee Gals

Just a quick shout out to the coffee crew. Its nice to feel cared for & to want to reciprocate that back. I'm glad that we take this time to connect & talk & refresh once a week. I appreciate that you keep me in mind when trying to plan a day, since my schedule is always changing @ work.
I've come home to an empty house but realize in a few months this will not be the case I will have a baby like many of you. Another human being that will rely on me. But for now I relish in my thoughts of what 'little tuna' will be like. For now he/she's a kicking, turning, always hungry little babe in my belly. Its amazing to be feel so blessed & to be pregnant.

What Will said today....

Really meant a lot to me, I'm mostly thinking of one phrase about when their daughter was ill upon birth, I didn't write down the verse, but basically what he said that, in regards to the possibility of death of their new baby, "that either she would have them as parents for the rest of their lives or she would be with God."
I felt consoled by this.

Well our due date was this weekend of our miscarriage that happened this past summer. Do I think about this everyday- not as much, have I thought about it more recently- yes. I know that, that child to be is with God along with so many other lives we've all lost.

I remember in nursing school we discussed death & how people say 'passed away' vs. 'dying' and I used to be the one that always said 'passed away', but now when death is imminent I try to approach it with an open ear, of my patient's families & with few words. Often the moment is different with each family, but our hearts hurt & our minds can't always understand why me.

23+ weeks

Took this shot today, so in all actuality its really 23 4/7. :)
We took it before our hike, today we ventured out to the Eno River. It was nice, we hiked along the river on a nice path that was just a little over a mile. The only part of my body that's give me trouble these days is my back. My sciatica is kicking in full force. I gotta figure out what I can do when we go for our 24 week check on Monday. Maybe a chiropractor, I try yoga positions, but even those aren't completely soothing w/o shooting pains down my legs :(

Anywho, here's a few shots of our Eno hike:

Ikea & back

So we agree, Eli & I, that Ikea is probably one of our favorite indoor places. We spent 4 very quick hours there. We made it to Charlotte in ~ 2hrs in some rainy/windy weather on March 1st. Isn't this month's saying 'In like a lion out like a lamb?' Well its already earned that credit.
Our hotel was downtown in City Center, it was still raining when we arrived, we quickly checked in & made our way to the church where JJ Heller was in concert.(http://www.facebook.com/pages/JJ-Heller/12004599945)
It was a small crowd, but we gladly made our way in & I was immediately comforted by her singing voice. A quick, full 90 minutes went of her & Dave (guitarist & husband) providing mini stories of the songs either she or he had written. At one point our attention including the musicians was distracted by all the snow falling outside--beautiful.
After making our way back downtown, Eli & I were determined to find food--but as when it snows in the south most things close down...Seriously they do. One restaurant we wanted to eat at had a sign posted that it was closing due to the snow. Growing up in New England this is still strange to me, there was barely a couple inches on the ground, not like it was feet. Anywho, I know they're not prepared for it like we are, but all I wanted was food-seriously. So we found a quickie pizza joint & ate there...and slowly more & more people also made their way in as well.
After all that excitement we didn't know if Ikea would be open on Monday. We hoped that it would be, but had to wait & see.
Well it was: :)






We picked up a crib, changing table, rug, lighting, linens & some other goodies for the babies room. Plus some stuff for our room & the guest room, wanting to complete these room before the little one comes. It was nice to get away, even overnight. I love venturing out w/Eli--even if at times we disagree on directions & using the hand held navigation system & then realizing its not so helpful, but hey I digress....I wonder who this baby will be more like. :)