What will that DAY be like??

So working at a hospital brings about a lot of self-inflicted questions, crazy surroundings, & an awareness that one might not be privy too otherwise.
I see a lot, hear a lot & do things to newborns that one wouldn't normally do. I strangely enjoy (at times) these disfunctional things.
Don't take me wrong, I don't 'enjoy' sick babies, but its fascinating what science can do & a whole lot of hope & prayers.

Recently I am quite moved when I see moms being rolled in via wheel chair or gurney onto the L & D floor. I don't work w/moms pre-labor but the NICU is conveniently located next door. Lately I get chills when I see them being rolled in....knowing (praying that, that will be me w/Eli in about 26 weeks or at leas 22 weeks. What will that day be like, I'm already envisioning a lot about that day. What control will I have over my body, if any. Will I freak out. How Eli will deal with me, probably better than I can deal with myself.

Last night when I worked I had the opportunity to go back to the stabilization room right next to where a mom was laboring. All I heard were screams from the laboring mom, which alone kind of moved me...will I be that vocal...mmm. Then the Stabilization team did this swift dance of prepping the bed for the 28 week pt. that we were about to basically 'Stabilize'. There were 2 doctors, 1 nurse practioner, 1 RN & a respiratory therapist....plus myself, onlooker for being the virgin in the room, it was pretty cool to watch the baby transition from womb to warm table & all the tasks that had to be done to stabilize him. Then he came to my room, I had the first admit spot....what an interesting night.

13th week & do I still have to button my pants?

So along with welcoming 2nd trimester, I also realize my pants aren't going to last much longer. Its a little disheartening, realizing I won't see my body in my pants for many months to come. I am someone, I'll admit, who in my mind has always struggled with my weight. I've never felt skinny, but have always wanted to be. So putting weight on honestly is not the easiest thing. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed to be pregnant, but seeing that I am loosing the battle & tipping the scales is something I will have to adjust to. I have 6 months ahead, of getting bigger & with that I welcome the beautiful pregnancy belly, but i know my body & will gain it elsewhere as well.
Its all an amazing process, week by week is so different. Now I definitely pee a lot. Pre-pregnancy I may gone 3x a day, now its more like every 3 hours.
I'm still overwhelmingly tired, but nausea is more or less gone.
I feel as though its a milestone to get to this point & look forward to what the weeks ahead bring. I think we should probably start taking weekly pics, to see the transformation....

Today is a GOOD day!

Pics of our babe @ 12 weeks +2 days. Right on track. :)

12 weeks-End of 1st Trimester

Wow- this is a big deal for us. We, Eli & I & most of all God has led us through our 1st trimester. Would I say it was easy now that we are here, mmm-NO. I now know I can cry pretty easily---ok really is this a big surprise to me, no, but yesterday I think was my last messy cry of this trimester-I hope.
We had an OB appt. yesterday, it was your typical gynecological exam, pap & all. Eli came, but decided to stay in the lobby, no biggy. At the end of the exam, she got the hand held Doppler out...to what I thought would be a quick listen & go. The doc glided it over my belly, we heard movement --or she said she heard movement, then a quick heartbeat & then NOTHING. My eyes flooded with tears & it brought me back to July 23rd & that dreadful day. She said it was 'normal' for it to be difficult to hear the heart beat- That didn't help, it did not console me.
I apologized, said I was a little sensitive due to the miscarriage this summer. I couldn't stop crying. They continued to keep reassuring me that it was ok, I hesitantly told them Eli was out in the waiting room. I wanted him to be in there now, well part of me did. There was a part that didn't want him there, so I could protect him, if it truly was bad news--I wanted to deal with it, protect him from the pain.
The doc instructed the nurse to roll the ultrasound machine in, & she went to get Eli. Within seconds the machine was set up & a man (this is funny) that was NOT Eli began to enter the room. I just shook my head & he did the same. His name was ERIK, mmm Eli, whatever...I was actually kind of amused by it at the time, kind of---more so now.
I didn't understand where Eli went, but no sooner could I dwell on it, she had already lathered up the wand & found the baby inside, heartbeat and all. I just kept thinking, wow, thank God...its so different when its you. Wow, there truly is a baby inside. The doctor felt super bad about the whole mix up. I was just so thankful otherwise, I just joked about it, at that point.

Then I realized having a child is going to forever play with my heartstrings. When its myself I can deal with pain, hurt. But if its someone else I can see myself wanting to do ANYthing to protect.

Oh & Eli went out to the car, had a headache & fell asleep, did I give him a hard time, ya a little. :)

11 weeks & counting

So 11 weeks has been pretty kind to me. My nausea has dissipated. Sunday night when Eli picked me up from work, & we headed to Cosmic Cantina for some long awaited tacos, I noticed that my day was lacking that utter feeling of wanting to lay down & cry. I am still constantly hungry, which I can handle. Some people would think fun, hunger is fine as long as we can nourish it, but its this hunger that can turn quickly from feeling hungry to OH MY GOD, I have to eat something or I might loose all strength, ok- kind of hard to explain, but thats what I'm feeling now.
Not really showing yet, but my clothes are really not that comfortable to me. For work --easy scrubs, & home sweats, but otherwise I'm going to need to make a trip to get some maternity pants soon.....

Next week we have some big appointments: Monday an OB/GYN appt., get some lab results back & Tuesday we get our next ultra sound. Since I will be AMA (advanced for maternal age) @ the time of delivery we have opted to do some of the additional first trimester screening. This u/s is actually done at the Clinic @ Duke. Will I be nervous that day probably. They will look at our baby's anatomy to check for Down Syndrome & Trisomy 18. We also opted NOT to do an amniocentesis or chorionic villi sampling which are more invasive. If the u/s shows something may I be inclined to change my mind maybe. Its a lot to keep in the back of your mind.
BUT
It is exciting to think that I will almost be into the 2nd trimester, progress---nice!

I've had a few days off & back to work for the next three nights now, I know Christmas is going to be here before we know it, & so I try to take as much time to just enjoy everything. :)

10 1/2 weeks

So for the record I want to journal how I'm feeling physically/emotionally throughout this pregnancy. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but I want the memories somewhere & I would love to look back when I'm 15, 20, 30+ weeks & be like wow thats what I was going through then.
This blog was created this summer after I had my miscarriage, & the most consoling place at the time was this blog. It allowed me to get my thoughts out when I sure couldn't talk about it. I've learned plenty since then, forgave myself & God.
So here we are 10 weeks 4days. Emotionally I'm excited, but still unsure of things along the way. I know some women never have an ultrasound through their entire pregnancy, but for me its the only reassurance that everything is ok. I do feel blessed for being pregnant, but the looming thoughts of bad things are always at the back of mind. I take everyday to just sit & listen to what God wants to speak to me. & theres time when I hear, "don't worry, just don't worry anymore."
Yesterday we had our second appointment, it was with an OB nurse: we did a full medical history, & educational information about the pregnancy. Then we received information about insurance & cost, wow that was kind of overwhelming. A lot of things in my life are unknown- what genetic make-up do I have, what things may I be prone to biologically. Being adopted, you just accept these things, but when you have a child inside of you & half of the genetic make-up is yours, now thats scary. I've always been adamant about taking care of myself, but when its your baby--& you could be passing along traits you didn't know you had...again overwhelming.
For me there will be nothing more amazing than looking into the eyes of my child & seeing similarities of myself, I've never had that. I just hope they are all good.

Anywho, physically-- I am often still tired, & nauseous (the broken record part), I ate a bowl of cereal two hours ago, & my stomach is already growling... :) funny. Other than that I don't feel much yet.
I've been off for the last 9 days & head back to work the next three. Am I concerned a little, for anyone its tough to get back into the groove, when you don't feel like yourself even harder. Do I miss the patients @ work? I do.