Reflect

You know when you return from a trip & you reflect about what you were doing a week ago, because you yearn to be back on that trip doing whatever you desire.
Well today I awoke from working my first shift last night & all I could think about was what I was doing a week ago. How much my heart hurt a week ago, how much I was in disbelief & totally crushed.
Now, as I begin my journey by opening up about it, I keep learning that more & more people have experienced it. My 'Nurse Roomie' & I talked it about it last night only to learn she lost a pregnancy earlier this year & now she's pregnant again, 10 weeks & due in February. February, that was going to be when we were due...another anniversary.
One of my closest friends said, "Gods time is Best." Somewhere in my heart I know this is true, & I'm really trying to release & give it all to him, but right now I'm feeling very challenged by this.

Waiting

Its almost been a week, and my body now feels like I remember from its pre-pregnancy state. The cramps, the discomfort & bleeding has ended. Now I'm just trying to look ahead...the questions of when will I ovulate, will my period be like it was before? Will my body know what to do.
& so now we wait, one cycle must pass before we can try again. WE've lost 5 months I feel, maybe even more if we can't get pregnant again. I know I can't keep thinking this way, but one's mind does. I feel like mine always tries to prepare for the worst in hopes for something better. I pray that these next few months are accompanied with patience. Cause now all I can do is wait.

Thank-you.

Can your heart expand to accommodate all the kindness? I feel like mine has to. Everyone from parents, to siblings, nieces...family, & neighbors & friends have all been so supportive. From dropping by, to special words via phone messages, calls & emails. I am truly touched. My body still aches from what is missing, but you have ALL been so giving & loving & caring. I hope you know that even though I may not be able to show you how much it means right now, it does.
I have felt alone at times, even if Eli is right next to me- I still can. I wonder why my body failed me.
I hurt so much in church today, not sure why-- I was just flooded with tears. My favorite part is the music, but today I just wanted to leave, just wanted to sink into my chair.
I want to not feel so angry and sad, I want to feel ok again.

Itch'in

Today is one of those days where you're looking for something. Something to do, say, see. The words in my mind aren't quite making it to my lips and so I'm here blogging instead. Sometimes I just want to run, run away...not from anyone, but just somewhere new, somewhere unknown. Mostly to water, to the ocean, which is really just too far away.
I'm tired of napping, watching stuff online, sitting. I'd rather be outside doing, seeing...something.

Empty

So I've decided the nights are the hardest. To lay there and have the darkness surround you. I laid there and questioned if we did the right thing. Maybe we could have waited a little longer and see what may have happened.
I spent time when I was pregnant trying to remember what my body felt like when I wasn't, and now all I can focus on is what it felt like to be pregnant. Did any of it truly happen? I know I felt it, something growing inside. And now EMPTINESS is what I'm filled with instead....

Silence

Sometimes silence is nice. Its peaceful after a long day of work. After a stressful situation. Silence allows you to be alone in your thoughts. I'm doing my best being in the silence and trying not to ask the quesions like WHY? What if? & the Should of, could of, would haves.
I want to focus on the future. Want to know that we will be ok, the pain won't be as strong. I'm trying to be alone in this silence & know it will be ok.

Lost

My heart feels lost. I'm a black & white person, meaning I like the science of things. I need to know why & how come. What does the results show? Are there lab values to back it up. What are the expected outcomes? Right now my heart doesn't know what to feel, but my mind is a constant stream of images & thoughts.

We began experiencing our first pregnancy on June 23rd. My LMP being May 24th. We started telling everyone, were we wrong in doing so? My heart does not know. Fast forward to yesterday July 23rd, to what was suppose to be our 8 week check ended in a day I don't wish upon anyone. The actual procedure, the D & C, I don't recall anything-thank God, but everything leading up to it I do.
The worst part of yesterday was laying on the examining table with the ultrasound & the NNP searching for something that wasn't there. To be eight weeks I know what should be there, wishing & praying that it was, wasn't helping. It was determined that there was no yolk sac or fetal pole, the yolk had grown but that was all.
I kept having these bad thoughts leading up, but I truly did not anticipate yesterday. In the last two weeks I was extremely exhausted, beginning to be nauseous & my hCG levels were increasing.
So I'm still asking myself, "how did we get here?"