Green Light, Red Light

Where is the manual? Are you hiding it, I can't seem to find it these days. I know I've blogged about this before being a mom, a wife & having a career. I was a newer mom when I blogged about it, think I wasn't back to work too long & I felt completely inadequate @ work, as a mom & as a wife. My days are dependent on caffeine and constantly trying to catch up on sleep.

I don't mean to feel like a broken record, but after leaving CG tonight & putting my babe to bed I realized what was really on my heart....me trying to find the balance. I thought it would have found me sooner, at least w/in Lili's first 12 months but that has come & gone & still I often feel scattered.
My schedule at work varies & perhaps if that was set perhaps I would feel a little more structure. I like structure. Am I dependent on it, these days not such much. Do I feel like I need it a little more these days-YES.
So its been some time where Liliana & I have spent the whole day together & honestly it was lovely. But constantly in the back of my head, I kept thinking I'm back to work the next 2 nights & so it feels like my 'mommy' duty is put on hold. I resume to my life on Thursday, as this tired person. I feel as if I'm in this constant green light, red light game that is my life.
Its consuming, and tiring, but also full of love.
I just continue to feel as if I don't do anything great these days, I want to be a great mom, I want to be a great wife & worker, but I feel I do one & the other one gives.

Please, I'm waiting & still searching for that manual...I promise I'll give it back.